Silent Scream

I want to talk to you about a subject that I think affects many people.

Let me share my version of a story with you that I heard awhile ago. There was a Priest who was a young man without much experience in the Priesthood. The day had come for him to give his first sermon and the older Priests were worried about how he would do and what he would say. The young Priest had a nice aquarium and some beautiful fish that he enjoyed and took great care of. When he wanted to relax he probably sat in front of the fish tank and watched his fish swim lazily around the tank. The morning he was going to give his first sermon he got up and started to prepare for the day ahead of him. At one point he went over to check on his fish and he was startled to see that all his fish had died. Then he realized that the heater was turned up so high that it killed every one of his fish. Needless to say he was very sad. As he looked closely at his fish he noticed that they were all swelled up and they looked scared, as if they had a silent scream on their faces. Then he went to church and stood before all the people and the older Priests sort of held their breath wondering what he would say. He started out telling the congregation what had happened to his fish. Then he asked a question that probably took everyone by surprise. His question and my question to all of you who read this is similar. How many of you are silently screaming inside about something that you feel you can’t share with anyone else?

As we live life there are many things that happen over the years that we feel like no one would understand. Maybe you tried to share these things with someone and all you got was condemnation and judgment, so you carry the guilt and shame around living a miserable existence. Maybe you feel these things are so personal that you can’t share them.

Maybe you were in the service and were responsible for taking others’ lives and you can’t forgive yourself.

Maybe you have had an abortion or maybe more than one and your guilt is so overwhelming that you are screaming inside and you don’t dare to share it with anyone.

You may have been a pimp or a prostitute or possibly in the gay lifestyle and you would like to be set free but you are afraid to tell anyone.

You may have committed so many crimes that you are feeling overwhelmed by them and the guilt is tearing you apart.

You may have been divorced in the past or you may have lost a loved one that you can’t get over.

There are so many things and reasons why you may be screaming inside that you feel you will never be set free.  I am not going to tell you that there aren’t any consequences for some of these things because there are.  But I am here to tell you that none of these things are the unpardonable sin and you can be forgiven and set free.

I want to share something that happened to me while living a Christian life.  I am only sharing this with you in hopes that the Lord will use it to help you in your pain, suffering and guilt and I hope you will let Him.

First let me tell you that God is not only willing but He wants to set you free because He loves you and He understands what you are going through.  If you read my testimony you know a little about me.  What I am going to share is something that happened after I had committed my life to the Lord.  At the time I was very excited about what had happened to me and I wasn’t shy about sharing what had happened and in fact I did it quite often and I am still sharing, Praise God! It seemed like I was studying the Word most of the time like I just couldn’t get enough of it.  My relationship to God was very close and it seemed that I was talking to God most of the time and He was blessing my family and me tremendously. But as time went on I started thinking about some of the things I had done in my past and I was feeling very guilty about them. Like I said earlier I was reading the Bible quite often and the Lord was teaching me many things. Then a problem began to take place, as I continued to read I came across things that started to scare me because of the guilt I had over some past experiences.

Because of losing relationships, it seemed like everything I had at that time that really mattered to me I wasn’t capable of loving because it was like part of my heart was missing. I never knew what real love was at the time, and to be honest, I still struggle with it because I hear about it far more than I ever experience it. Think about this; saying you love someone doesn’t prove anything if all it is, is just words. This has been my experience over the years but it may not be yours and I hope it isn’t.

As time went on, I started to feel like God didn’t love me either and I went into a deep depression. I know now that satan was trying to destroy my relationship with God, but I didn’t know it at the time and I was totally devastated. My life became a nightmare; I lost all my confidence and felt like I didn’t want to do anything. I remember sitting down to eat and I would break down and cry.  As time went on I felt like what, I think, Cain felt like after he had killed his brother Abel and was banished from God’s presence and had a mark put on him. This happened in the Bible in the book of Genesis. He then became a wanderer and an outcast, being separated from man and God. I felt that the worst thing that could happen to me had happened, I was separated from God and I would never be able to get back to Him.

I had a tremor at the time and I also had severe asthma. Between the tremor and the asthma medicine, I had to take quite often, I was shaking quite a bit.  As time went on I was shaking much more between the tremor, the asthma and the depression and I was going down hill fast. This went on for about twelve to fourteen years which seemed like a lifetime. All the time this was going on I never went to see a doctor but I did press into God seeking Him in prayer more than I think I had ever done before. And believe me I have spent many hours with the Lord over the years and I still do, I am not bragging just stating a fact. Not many people knew I was going through this because I kept it more to myself and some pastors and a few friends at the time. These people prayed for me but nothing seemed to happen and I was scared and miserable.

All during this time period my wife and I were teaching Sunday school and going to church. It seemed like I would go into church feeling horrible and I would come out, after hearing the sermon, feeling like a train had run over me, but it didn’t stop me from going.

I remember one Sunday after teaching Sunday school going to see a friend of mine in his Sunday school class. While I was there I met the man that God would use to help deliver me from this terrible situation I was in, Praise God!  This man’s name was Dan Comfort and he was a super nice guy.  If I remember right, he came to my house at least once a week for two years and demonstrated and shared with me how much the Lord loved me unconditionally. This man didn’t just talk about love, he showed it by his actions. He lived around thirty miles from where I lived but he was faithful to what he felt was his calling, thank the Lord. This man knew what love was and I have met very few like him since.

Now I would be amiss if I didn’t mention a wonderful lady that helped me see what I call unconditional love. You might say that no human can express this kind of love and I won’t argue with you about that. But I have experienced what I would call unconditional love for many years. This lady has something that many women will never possess. I have known this lady for about thirty-five years. During my "freaky" years in the world we partied together, she knew me in times of anger and rage when I would smash things and rant and rave and throw fits. Many times I would be out of control.  She was there when I would park my motorcycle in our front room in front of my television set.  She was with me during the years of my smoking, drinking, popping pills and marijuana use. When this lady said she loved me, she meant it.  She has been with me in my worst years and my better years and she loved me through them all.  When she married me I didn’t even love her but she loved me. How could I love her when I didn’t even know what love was.  I can remember times that I am ashamed of when I hurt her feelings but she still loved me and never held anything against me.  She has never had to have the last word in an argument, trying to be the winner in an argument never interested her.  Have you ever tried to argue with a wall? You will never win even if you do get the last word in! It is very hard to argue with someone that doesn’t argue with you. And let me throw this in, she has never tried to change me by ranting, raving and complaining like so many people do after they get married. She has always left the changing to the Lord, she knows He is the only answer and the only one that can change me if I allow it to happen. I am not trying to say my wife is perfect, there are a few things I would like to change about her, but I will leave that to the Lord. I think my wife treats me like a king and she treats everyone else with respect. She is a very godly woman and I am so blessed to have her and I do love her very much. She has been a wonderful wife, mother and grandmother and a friend and all my kids will vouch for that.  When I first met my wife I thought she was beautiful, she was twenty-three at the time.  She may not be as beautiful on the outside now but she is more beautiful on the inside.  One thing my wife has that I wish every woman had, and that is a sweet and gentle spirit, which is far more important than being beautiful on the outside. All the beauty in the world means nothing if you are ugly on the inside. The Lord showed me, through my wife, that He could love unconditionally and that He loves me that way, Praise God!

I have said all this to let you know that I was delivered from my depression and you can be to. God is no respecter of men, He treats all of us equal. The Lord said, "if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me." The good Lord uses many different ways to set people free, for me it was prayer, Dan and my wife, for you He may use something altogether different.

One thing I do know, the devil is here to kill, steal and destroy holding in bondage everyone he can. But the Lord has come to set the captive free, to heal the sick, to open blind eyes and to even raise the dead and to proclaim the wonderful year of the Lord. So there is always hope as long as you are willing to seek Him.
And let me say this, the Lord is not shocked by your circumstances or your sin He knows all about it. I think the thing that bothers Him the most is when you won’t confess your sin and repent and receive His love and forgiveness. He wants you to trust Him to set you free. If you confess that you are a sinner and then ask Him to forgive your sins and tell Him that you are in need of his grace and forgiveness and then ask Him to be Lord of your life and you truly repent, it will happen. The Lord is not willing that anyone be lost but that all will come to repent. Jesus suffered terribly for our sins, shedding His blood so that we could be forgiven and set free of sin and guilt. Please let the Lord set you free and let Him turn that silent scream into laughter. Let these words come true in your life "weeping comes in the night but joy comes in the morning" Praise God! Let the Lord heal the years that the locust have eaten up and receive the joy of the Lord that surpasses all understanding. May God bless you.